I am new here and I hope as a military spouse that it is OK if I post here; I just feel so alone and have no help. All of you are so incredibly knowledgeable and I thought if anyone could help me, someone here could. 5 years ago, my active duty AF husband was sent in for a Commander Directed Mental Health Evaluation after he requested a voluntary separation (he had served 16 years and had only 4 years to full retirement). He was highly decorated, having served many tours in the Middle East over his 16 year career so I thought it was PTSD, but they decided that he was having a severe bipolar episode with psychotic features and he was involuntarily confined to a mental hospital. Although his medical record was supposed to be private (outside of a designated few), his commanders told everyone. In fact, his commanders talked to everyone about it except for me; for some reason, I never even received a single phone call from his commanders while all this was ongoing and no one would give me any information but they sure as hell dispensed it to the general population. I found out his diagnosis when I overheard a group of people gossiping in the Shoppette, My husband was completely humiliated on top of having to deal with being institutionalized. When he finally got out of the mental institution, he was sitting in a general business meeting with the General and 8-9 others wherein they asked him in the middle of the meeting what medications he was on for his Bipolar Diagnosis. I understand the importance of National Security, but if that was a consideration he should have been removed to a position wherein the conversation was not necessary or wherein a private conversation could take place because their actions resulted in the complete destruction of my husband. It exasperated whatever mental illness he did have! In addition, every "friend" we had turned against us. Every play date I had set up for my kids had was canceled, (who wants to be associated with the crazy guy and his family-it is not good for promotions and I imagine it's really scary). We were very, very active in the Air Force community and to be ostracized by the people that we considered family was horrific. While I won't further discuss the AF's negligent and disgusting handling of the situation here, 5 months later, my husband was officially and voluntarily separated without an MEB.
After this happened, he was so scared (In his defense, I would have been scared if I was placed and drugged up in a mental institution against my will too). He thought that the government was out to get him and he had to hide or they would throw him back in the mental institution. He would make us take the batteries out of our cell phones every night and store them outside the house so that no one could hear our conversations. He would blast the music and whisper these detailed plans of how we were going to hide out in the middle of the forest (he was always super peaceful and respectful and NEVER, ever violent by any stretch of the imagination, but he was paranoid and scared). I could not hold a job because I had to stay home and take care of him (at the time we had 2 children with one on the way). He was unable to take care of any of his affairs. We lost our house, our savings, everything. Being that we had no where else to go, we actually wound up living in the middle of the forest in a tent on a piece of land that my extended family owned surviving completely off-the-grid, just like my husband wanted…so, SO hysterically funny in hindsight
During the past 5 years, my husband went through major depression where all he did was sleep, read books, ignore everyone around him, and work out outside with weights (that he made with rocks and trees during a manic episode) and talk about death (although he was never actually suicidal). Then, he would go through phases where he would ostracize himself from everyone, go weeks (seriously) without sleep, and if he did have any interactions it was only to chatter incoherently about his next amazing invention or idea that was going to save all of humanity. He is such a brilliant mind and the things he comes up with are completely incredible. Unfortunately, there have been only 3 sane periods that lasted a few months total wherein I was able to see the man that I fell in love with and wherein I fell in love all over again.
Because he was so paranoid, he wouldn’t allow me to apply for welfare, VA, SS, or any other benefits because he didn’t trust the government. He thought we were in hiding and couldn’t let anyone know where we were or they would come and find us and take us away (where to, I have no idea). I finally contacted an attorney and asked if there was a way to get my husband declared disabled (we had no vehicle and the closest town was 45 minutes away so before people start hating on me for not getting a job, it was impossible at the time as my husband was completely unable to take care of himself or the children and I couldn’t possibly pay someone to do it. We lived in an area that was so remote that there wasn’t even cell phone service. I’m sure that I could have handled the situation differently and that I made many mistakes but I did the best that I could. I was scared, hopeful, and I loved my husband dearly after 16 years of marriage and just wanted to help him while keeping our family together). A little over a year of waiting, we received a decision from the BCMR that my husband was placed on the TDRL and that his case was expedited because he had a year before his 5 year point. I had to cleverly coerce my husband to go to the TDRL medical appointment that we were thankfully able to attend (God bless good Samaritans).
Praise God, 6 months ago we were given back pay and I bought a cheap car, moved our family into the city into a beautiful 900 sf rental home, and bought food from a grocery store instead of growing it myself for the first time in years. I am SO incredibly grateful for my situation and what God has blessed me with. So we now have all the normal expenses that a family has: food, house payment, water, trash, gas, kid activities, clothes, etc. After the car amount, house deposits, clothes for the kids, doctors appointments, and a trip to Chucky Cheese . I put the rest of the back pay in a bank account as a nest egg for the kids and for emergencies. We had not lived for so long and it was so nice to sleep with a roof over our head. I decided to use some of the monthly income to put the kids in ballet and karate…they had done without for so long that I thought they deserved to feel like kids. I had the money all budgeted out and made sure that we were putting aside more money every month as we have 4 kids to put through college. We had been living in the house for 3 months and had received 2 months of TDRL checks and then the money stopped.
I was told that even though my husband attended the appointment required of him that TDRL ends at the 5 year point so we would not be getting any more money for at least the next 8-18 months until the BCMR makes their final decision. I understand that there are no waivers for this even if it is not the member's fault that the BCMR has taken over 2 years to make a decision. We have been living off of the "nest egg" i.e. back-pay that we were given since the TDRL money stopped 6 weeks ago because I now have all these monetary responsibilities such as a lease agreement on the house. I am so thankful for the back pay, but I am adamant that this is for my kids and their future, not for my monthly expenditures. I also don’t know if my husband might be separated and not retired out and this money is to make sure we always have a roof over our head and never wind up in a tent again.
I started looking for a job as soon as we moved into the city because I thought that my husband might be able to function on his own. A couple of days away job-hunting and I realized that this was not the case. I felt trapped and scared...who is going to pay all these bills and make sure my children have a normal life (the oldest just turned 8). I decided to start my own at-home business and I had my first clients last week!!!! I am SUPER excited and hopeful as I know that I can make this business work but it is always slow at first... especially when I have 5 mouths to feed (husband included). We have been through this entire ordeal without welfare and I am determined to pull myself up by my own bootstraps so to speak. We've had our big break and I am seizing it with everything I am. So, please do not take my back-story as a big complaint; I just needed someone to understand where I’ve come from. I have not had a single friend through this experience and so I have had no one to talk to so please forgive me if I have shared too much.
So, now that I have annoyed you with my long back-story, here are my questions:
1) If I contact the BCMR and make them aware that we are without pay because the TDRL 5 year point was reached, will they put my husband's file at the bottom of the stack; i.e., will it make them angry if I bring it to their attention. Will it even matter if they receive this information?
2) They actually cut off our TDRL pay 3 weeks before the 5 year point (I am absolutely certain of the dates as February 15 was his official separation date, but the money ended with his last check December 30th). I know this isn’t a lot of money for most, but 2 weeks of pay would really help us out...how do we get this fixed/can we get this fixed? I talked to DFAS and they said to talk to TDRL. When we talked to TDRL, they told us that because it was BCMR, they had no say in it and they couldn’t change the TDRL date because it was at the BCMR.
3) Is there any kind of statute that dictates how long the BCMR has to make a decision? I mean, if a member had all their paperwork in 1 year before the 5 year point, do they not have an obligation to make sure the decision is made before the TDRL end date. From what I understand TDRL office is unconnected with BCMR and so this is the case with the TDRL office but the BCMR doesn’t have the same regulations to follow?
4) The back pay that we received mid October 2014 was taxed at such a crazy rate because it was a lump-sum that over 1/3 of it went to taxes. We had the money only the last 6 weeks of the year and had zero income prior to that and it just feels wrong having to pay so much tax on a bulk sum when we would have received it tax free if we had been given it every year (4 kids and no other income would have negated any tax owed). I don’t want to cheat the stupid system, but I do want to be smart with my money and make sure I am not missing any legal loopholes or deductions.
5) I read on this forum that if you get rated with the VA, that you don’t have to pay taxes on that portion of your income, is this correct and if so, what do I do? If I could convince him to go to the VA, is it possible for him to get rated within the 3 month extension to file taxes for 2014 or would /could we amend the tax return later?
6) When I was doing our taxes, I noticed that the DFAS Tax slip stated the money was just pension, but shouldn’t TDRL be listed as disability. I know that I still have to pay federal taxes on the money, but if it is listed as disability, we don’t have to pay state taxes also.
7) We had received notice that the doctor recommended to the BCMR that my husband be placed at 70% disability (Back in July 2014), and that is the last record on the account. Do we have to worry about his records expiring before the BCMR makes a decision. What is the probability that the 70% recommendation is followed by the board versus separation without pay or with severance)? Do we have a right to see the package that the board is viewing and make sure that all the mental hospital records are in the package because when my husband went in for his evaluation, the Psychiatrist did not have a single record from the mental health clinic and he was surprised that they hadn’t sent any records for him to view. I would think that a court petition to keep my husband locked up in a mental institution for a 6 month period would be pretty important in ascertaining his mental instability; however, I don’t want to start the process over or interrupt it and cause it to take more time.
8) Any other advice or comments that might help me on my journey would be appreciated.
Thank you all so much for tolerating my long story and my questions. I know how busy everyone is and I appreciate you spending the time to get to know me and help me. My follow-on posts will be more succinct. Thank you all for your service to our country and thank you for what you have sacrificed as you gave your all for our freedoms. I’m so sorry for the way that many of you have been treated and I pray that God restores what has been taken from you 100 times over.
Blessings,
Jennifer
After this happened, he was so scared (In his defense, I would have been scared if I was placed and drugged up in a mental institution against my will too). He thought that the government was out to get him and he had to hide or they would throw him back in the mental institution. He would make us take the batteries out of our cell phones every night and store them outside the house so that no one could hear our conversations. He would blast the music and whisper these detailed plans of how we were going to hide out in the middle of the forest (he was always super peaceful and respectful and NEVER, ever violent by any stretch of the imagination, but he was paranoid and scared). I could not hold a job because I had to stay home and take care of him (at the time we had 2 children with one on the way). He was unable to take care of any of his affairs. We lost our house, our savings, everything. Being that we had no where else to go, we actually wound up living in the middle of the forest in a tent on a piece of land that my extended family owned surviving completely off-the-grid, just like my husband wanted…so, SO hysterically funny in hindsight
During the past 5 years, my husband went through major depression where all he did was sleep, read books, ignore everyone around him, and work out outside with weights (that he made with rocks and trees during a manic episode) and talk about death (although he was never actually suicidal). Then, he would go through phases where he would ostracize himself from everyone, go weeks (seriously) without sleep, and if he did have any interactions it was only to chatter incoherently about his next amazing invention or idea that was going to save all of humanity. He is such a brilliant mind and the things he comes up with are completely incredible. Unfortunately, there have been only 3 sane periods that lasted a few months total wherein I was able to see the man that I fell in love with and wherein I fell in love all over again.
Because he was so paranoid, he wouldn’t allow me to apply for welfare, VA, SS, or any other benefits because he didn’t trust the government. He thought we were in hiding and couldn’t let anyone know where we were or they would come and find us and take us away (where to, I have no idea). I finally contacted an attorney and asked if there was a way to get my husband declared disabled (we had no vehicle and the closest town was 45 minutes away so before people start hating on me for not getting a job, it was impossible at the time as my husband was completely unable to take care of himself or the children and I couldn’t possibly pay someone to do it. We lived in an area that was so remote that there wasn’t even cell phone service. I’m sure that I could have handled the situation differently and that I made many mistakes but I did the best that I could. I was scared, hopeful, and I loved my husband dearly after 16 years of marriage and just wanted to help him while keeping our family together). A little over a year of waiting, we received a decision from the BCMR that my husband was placed on the TDRL and that his case was expedited because he had a year before his 5 year point. I had to cleverly coerce my husband to go to the TDRL medical appointment that we were thankfully able to attend (God bless good Samaritans).
Praise God, 6 months ago we were given back pay and I bought a cheap car, moved our family into the city into a beautiful 900 sf rental home, and bought food from a grocery store instead of growing it myself for the first time in years. I am SO incredibly grateful for my situation and what God has blessed me with. So we now have all the normal expenses that a family has: food, house payment, water, trash, gas, kid activities, clothes, etc. After the car amount, house deposits, clothes for the kids, doctors appointments, and a trip to Chucky Cheese . I put the rest of the back pay in a bank account as a nest egg for the kids and for emergencies. We had not lived for so long and it was so nice to sleep with a roof over our head. I decided to use some of the monthly income to put the kids in ballet and karate…they had done without for so long that I thought they deserved to feel like kids. I had the money all budgeted out and made sure that we were putting aside more money every month as we have 4 kids to put through college. We had been living in the house for 3 months and had received 2 months of TDRL checks and then the money stopped.
I was told that even though my husband attended the appointment required of him that TDRL ends at the 5 year point so we would not be getting any more money for at least the next 8-18 months until the BCMR makes their final decision. I understand that there are no waivers for this even if it is not the member's fault that the BCMR has taken over 2 years to make a decision. We have been living off of the "nest egg" i.e. back-pay that we were given since the TDRL money stopped 6 weeks ago because I now have all these monetary responsibilities such as a lease agreement on the house. I am so thankful for the back pay, but I am adamant that this is for my kids and their future, not for my monthly expenditures. I also don’t know if my husband might be separated and not retired out and this money is to make sure we always have a roof over our head and never wind up in a tent again.
I started looking for a job as soon as we moved into the city because I thought that my husband might be able to function on his own. A couple of days away job-hunting and I realized that this was not the case. I felt trapped and scared...who is going to pay all these bills and make sure my children have a normal life (the oldest just turned 8). I decided to start my own at-home business and I had my first clients last week!!!! I am SUPER excited and hopeful as I know that I can make this business work but it is always slow at first... especially when I have 5 mouths to feed (husband included). We have been through this entire ordeal without welfare and I am determined to pull myself up by my own bootstraps so to speak. We've had our big break and I am seizing it with everything I am. So, please do not take my back-story as a big complaint; I just needed someone to understand where I’ve come from. I have not had a single friend through this experience and so I have had no one to talk to so please forgive me if I have shared too much.
So, now that I have annoyed you with my long back-story, here are my questions:
1) If I contact the BCMR and make them aware that we are without pay because the TDRL 5 year point was reached, will they put my husband's file at the bottom of the stack; i.e., will it make them angry if I bring it to their attention. Will it even matter if they receive this information?
2) They actually cut off our TDRL pay 3 weeks before the 5 year point (I am absolutely certain of the dates as February 15 was his official separation date, but the money ended with his last check December 30th). I know this isn’t a lot of money for most, but 2 weeks of pay would really help us out...how do we get this fixed/can we get this fixed? I talked to DFAS and they said to talk to TDRL. When we talked to TDRL, they told us that because it was BCMR, they had no say in it and they couldn’t change the TDRL date because it was at the BCMR.
3) Is there any kind of statute that dictates how long the BCMR has to make a decision? I mean, if a member had all their paperwork in 1 year before the 5 year point, do they not have an obligation to make sure the decision is made before the TDRL end date. From what I understand TDRL office is unconnected with BCMR and so this is the case with the TDRL office but the BCMR doesn’t have the same regulations to follow?
4) The back pay that we received mid October 2014 was taxed at such a crazy rate because it was a lump-sum that over 1/3 of it went to taxes. We had the money only the last 6 weeks of the year and had zero income prior to that and it just feels wrong having to pay so much tax on a bulk sum when we would have received it tax free if we had been given it every year (4 kids and no other income would have negated any tax owed). I don’t want to cheat the stupid system, but I do want to be smart with my money and make sure I am not missing any legal loopholes or deductions.
5) I read on this forum that if you get rated with the VA, that you don’t have to pay taxes on that portion of your income, is this correct and if so, what do I do? If I could convince him to go to the VA, is it possible for him to get rated within the 3 month extension to file taxes for 2014 or would /could we amend the tax return later?
6) When I was doing our taxes, I noticed that the DFAS Tax slip stated the money was just pension, but shouldn’t TDRL be listed as disability. I know that I still have to pay federal taxes on the money, but if it is listed as disability, we don’t have to pay state taxes also.
7) We had received notice that the doctor recommended to the BCMR that my husband be placed at 70% disability (Back in July 2014), and that is the last record on the account. Do we have to worry about his records expiring before the BCMR makes a decision. What is the probability that the 70% recommendation is followed by the board versus separation without pay or with severance)? Do we have a right to see the package that the board is viewing and make sure that all the mental hospital records are in the package because when my husband went in for his evaluation, the Psychiatrist did not have a single record from the mental health clinic and he was surprised that they hadn’t sent any records for him to view. I would think that a court petition to keep my husband locked up in a mental institution for a 6 month period would be pretty important in ascertaining his mental instability; however, I don’t want to start the process over or interrupt it and cause it to take more time.
8) Any other advice or comments that might help me on my journey would be appreciated.
Thank you all so much for tolerating my long story and my questions. I know how busy everyone is and I appreciate you spending the time to get to know me and help me. My follow-on posts will be more succinct. Thank you all for your service to our country and thank you for what you have sacrificed as you gave your all for our freedoms. I’m so sorry for the way that many of you have been treated and I pray that God restores what has been taken from you 100 times over.
Blessings,
Jennifer