I was discharged as an 11B under the terms of Honorable with paid disability. I listened to my NCOs, dressed accordingly, did my PT and performed well in the field. However, within the last couple of months before my contract was up, I cracked like an egg and was found by advisors no longer suited for service. ‘Major Depressive Disorder’
Our company was against mental health. Understandably, this was a company of warriors with history(battles fought and won) behinds it’s lettering. Any sign of weakness was considered hideous and if an opinion was presented of such, higher ups would rather you just kill yourself than to seek the help(though sounds extreme, it was the case. Any known suicide attempt from others would end up as a joke by higher ups). Once I left, my Platoon Sergeant killed himself. A month after, my close friend and roommate of three years in service killed himself.
I’m haunted by the thought of people knowing this “weakness”. It feels like I asked to leave. That I wasn’t strong enough. When I walk through the VA for check ups, I feel people around me saying, “Here’s this kid. Couldn’t even finish the last couple of months.” as they look at my profile. When I show up to my civilian jobs, I feel like I have a stamp across my forehead that states “Kicked Out of the Army”.
Is it wrong that I looked for helped when no one else would? Is it wrong that I have a paid disability when there’s other veterans out there who fought much longer and deals with much more than I have.
I feel ashamed and embarrassed. The last words my Commander told me was that there are boys, and then there’s men who can fight.
It’s always stuck with me.
Our company was against mental health. Understandably, this was a company of warriors with history(battles fought and won) behinds it’s lettering. Any sign of weakness was considered hideous and if an opinion was presented of such, higher ups would rather you just kill yourself than to seek the help(though sounds extreme, it was the case. Any known suicide attempt from others would end up as a joke by higher ups). Once I left, my Platoon Sergeant killed himself. A month after, my close friend and roommate of three years in service killed himself.
I’m haunted by the thought of people knowing this “weakness”. It feels like I asked to leave. That I wasn’t strong enough. When I walk through the VA for check ups, I feel people around me saying, “Here’s this kid. Couldn’t even finish the last couple of months.” as they look at my profile. When I show up to my civilian jobs, I feel like I have a stamp across my forehead that states “Kicked Out of the Army”.
Is it wrong that I looked for helped when no one else would? Is it wrong that I have a paid disability when there’s other veterans out there who fought much longer and deals with much more than I have.
I feel ashamed and embarrassed. The last words my Commander told me was that there are boys, and then there’s men who can fight.
It’s always stuck with me.
