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Atomic_47

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I am a former Army nurse who was medically retired due to Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder NOS. The lead-up to my separation was an embarrassing and heart-breaking affair. I had spent five years earning my commission through ROTC and was planning to make a career as an officer. I was only three months away from attending the OB-GYN nursing course at Darnell when I had a panic attack that ultimately led to my separation.

During the interim between my panic attack and my separation I was removed from inpatient care and essentially made to do pointless busy work. I was eventually re-assigned to a clinic, but even that was just a holding pen I was placed in so my superiors wouldn't have to deal me. My commanding officer confidently assured me that this wouldn't hurt my chances of making CPT while simultaneously omitting that I had been given a profile which barred me from deployment or handling weapons. She repeatedly assured me that I was a valued officer while simultaneously telling my CDE-assigned psychologist that I was essentially an emotionally-volatile nut who was a detriment to the hospital's mission. When I confronted her about the glaring inaccuracies in my medical record she essentially shrugged her shoulders and told me she thought I would be great in the civilian world.

I wasn't even given the privilege of a send-off. I was told to plan my own going-away party which none of my commanding officers or NCOs attended.

I can't get rid of the anger and shame I still feel about everything that happened. I don't feel worthy of the title veteran and I don't talk about being in the Army. When people ask me about my previous job I just tell them I worked in an Army facility. I don't show anyone my military ID, I don't inquire about military discounts, and I plan to stay home on Veteran's Day. I hate going to the VA and being among veterans who put themselves in danger while I was forced to sit in a hospital doing pointless busy work. My sister is a CPT who is airborne/air assault qualified with four deployments under her belt, and I'm tired of hearing my parents talk about all her achievements. I never attended any schools or courses.

I want to believe that I am a veteran, that I am worthy of being called a soldier, but truthfully I don't feel like anything I did was important or worthwhile. I don't feel like I have anything to be proud of.
 
Atomic_47 said:
I want to believe that I am a veteran, that I am worthy of being called a soldier, but truthfully I don't feel like anything I did was important or worthwhile. I don't feel like I have anything to be proud of.
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You are a veteran, what you did mattered, and you should be proud. The simple act of "putting yourself" out here on the forum is something that has an immediate impact. Many will read your post, as I have, and reflect. Your story resonates with me, and I am sure many others. While you may not ever know the value or worth of this post or what you did while in the Army, understand there is value and makes a difference.

Because of my medical conditions I was pulled from the cockpit and placed on desk duty for 2.5 years. I watched my friends deploy 9 months out of every 12 months, many with families, while I sat behind a desk with no family worrying about me. At times I felt helpless, useless, and unworthy to wear the uniform. However, what I gained from that situation, which turned adversarial like yours, is a purpose going forward. I use my experience and try and assist others. Others have been in your situation and more will be. You can be that person that can help them navigate a terrible situation and system. So, regardless of what you may or may not have done while in the Military, realize that does not define you as a veteran. What you do now defines you as a veteran (in my opinion).

If you walked into my home or office you would not see a single piece of military identifying memorabilia. Also, most people do not realize that I ever served. Part of that is a feeling that I didn't earn or deserve what hides in boxes in the closet. The fact is you signed up, as did I, when many others chose not to. Your willingness to serve your country in the Army is more determinative of your character than an award or position at the hospital. How you handle your prior history is a personal choice, but know you served a purpose and will serve a larger one.

If you need anything we are here. Keep your head up and thanks for sharing.
 
Atomic_47 said:
I am a former Army nurse who was medically retired due to Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder NOS. The lead-up to my separation was an embarrassing and heart-breaking affair. I had spent five years earning my commission through ROTC and was planning to make a career as an officer. I was only three months away from attending the OB-GYN nursing course at Darnell when I had a panic attack that ultimately led to my separation.

During the interim between my panic attack and my separation I was removed from inpatient care and essentially made to do pointless busy work. I was eventually re-assigned to a clinic, but even that was just a holding pen I was placed in so my superiors wouldn't have to deal me. My commanding officer confidently assured me that this wouldn't hurt my chances of making CPT while simultaneously omitting that I had been given a profile which barred me from deployment or handling weapons. She repeatedly assured me that I was a valued officer while simultaneously telling my CDE-assigned psychologist that I was essentially an emotionally-volatile nut who was a detriment to the hospital's mission. When I confronted her about the glaring inaccuracies in my medical record she essentially shrugged her shoulders and told me she thought I would be great in the civilian world.

I wasn't even given the privilege of a send-off. I was told to plan my own going-away party which none of my commanding officers or NCOs attended.

I can't get rid of the anger and shame I still feel about everything that happened. I don't feel worthy of the title veteran and I don't talk about being in the Army. When people ask me about my previous job I just tell them I worked in an Army facility. I don't show anyone my military ID, I don't inquire about military discounts, and I plan to stay home on Veteran's Day. I hate going to the VA and being among veterans who put themselves in danger while I was forced to sit in a hospital doing pointless busy work. My sister is a CPT who is airborne/air assault qualified with four deployments under her belt, and I'm tired of hearing my parents talk about all her achievements. I never attended any schools or courses.

I want to believe that I am a veteran, that I am worthy of being called a soldier, but truthfully I don't feel like anything I did was important or worthwhile. I don't feel like I have anything to be proud of.
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Welcome "back" to the PEB Forum! :)

In retrospect, I would suggest that you be extremely "proud" of your military service to the United States of America; no matter how limited in duration due to a disability which resulted in you being "unable to reasonably perform duties of his or her office, grade, rank, or rating."

With a total of 32+ years in the U.S. Army as an enlisted soldier then an NCO and finally as a Senior Commissioned Officer, my new immediate military supervisor (O-6) while I was in the DoD IDES process (...it took me 618 calendar days for official IDES completion) tried his "best" efforts to have the members (e.g., military soldiers & Army civilians) in his Command to not plan then execute a military retirement ceremony. Why? Because, he was highly "upset" that I was still on his military "books" not capable of performing any assigned duties and he could not legally (by U.S. Congressional mandate/law) obtain a replacement for me until I was officially "off" his military unit manning document.

Hmm, it wasn't my fault that due to the totality of my medical impairments, a "combat-related" military disability retirement was the legally "proper" avenue of approach versus the standard and a lot shorter time in process duration "length of service" military retirement!

To that extent, I had to schedule an impromptu appointment with that O-6's immediate supervisor (e.g., my Senior rater; equivalent to a Two-star General) who was a SES Army civilian (in the civil service of the U.S. federal government, somewhat analogous to general officer or flag officer ranks in the U.S. Armed Forces) with my wife & kids in attendance to explain in detail my current medical situation and all of the "unreasonable" (in my opinion unethical) actions directed toward my family & I by that O-6. Of course, that O-6 lost the "battle" and was forced to plan and execute a military retirement ceremony. ;)

Naturally, hmm, that irresponsible O-6 wasn't in attendance on the day of my military retirement ceremony since he suddenly was on military "ordinary" leave. This was indeed highly ideal for my family and I since that O-6 definitely wasn't welcomed anyway and I publically made sure not to give that O-6 "any" credit/kudus during my military retirement ceremony historical event. Instead, I respectfully made that O-6 totally look like an a$$ wipe which definitely became my final military "mission" in the U.S. Army for certain! :D

With all that said, I am still extremely "proud" of my 32+ years of military service albeit it was abruptly terminated (due to multiple medical impairments) without having my "in-the-zone" promotion opportunity/consideration to make the next higher military grade/rank! As such, my Army military personnel file was "highly competitive above my peers" for military promotion as voiced to me by the Assignments Officer at HQ, U.S. Army Human Resources Command (HRC).

In my particular situation, the bottom line is that on any given military day, I was "above center of mass" with a prodigious military promotional opportunity then unfortunately the next day (not literally) I was "below center of mass retain" resulting in a military disability retirement simply because of multiple "unfit for duty" combat service related military impairments.

Wow! It definitely wasn't fair putting an abrupt end to a flawless military career, but that's simply life while I had to eventually rationalize that particular situation for my family's sake albeit the "demons" from the totality of my own military combat experiences are still highly persistent today as a military veteran!

Thus, I quite often comment that "possessing well-informed knowledge is truly a powerful equalizer."

Best Wishes!
 
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My goal was to make it to MAJ or LTC and retire ay 20-25 years. needless to say, I didnt make that goal, Im a CPT at 17 and about to be retired soon, very soon. I wouldnt worry about it. a brigade commander once told me, if you compare life to driving a car, its important to look in the rearview mirror once in a while, but to move the car forward you must spend the vast majority of your time looking through the front windshield. If you allow yourself to dwell only on the past, youll never reach your potential. Look forward to see where you are going 99% of the time and glance back to see where you came from once in a while.
Perhaps you could make a move that puts you away from parents. I would talk to them about if first. some people are not "self aware" that thier words are hurting someone else. perhaps they could heap praise on your sibling all they want and just not when you are around.

I know moving away sounds bad, but I have had to disown my own mother due to her extremely narrcisistic borderline sociopathic ways. She has caused myself and my family untold drama, pain and anguish with her words. its so bad her own brother and sister (my aunt and uncle) are no longer on speaking terms with her either. I moved my family 8 states away when the last drama unfolded and never looked back. with my anxiety and her harsh, bitter, toxic attitude, I cant stand being in the same room as her.
 
Hell, military docs cant even really diagnose panic attacks accurately. in my case, I have Myasthenia Gravis. This disease causes pulmonary effects similar to "severe restrictive lung disease". prior to being diagnosed with MG, I had several breathing episodes and wound up in the ER 3 times for "Dyspnea". Military docs put down in my recrods that I was having panic attacks and assured me I would be fine, to just ignore them. I could have went into myasthenic crisis and died!! They wouldnt even perform a PFT on me, and were quite sure my symptoms were all in my head. Luckily, I did get a PFT by the VA and got rated 60% for pulmonary residuals alone.
 
You have should be proud of what you have done. Nursing is a tough job and the military doesn't make it easy. I'm in a similar position right now, just sitting around and doing nothing all day. This has been going on for a year. No patient care, pointless tasks. I feel like I'm ready to try to go back to work but so far they won't let me. Any suggestions on how to get through this would be appriciated.
 
@Atomic_47,

The manner in which you were treated during you final days in the service is inexcusable. Depression and anxiety are both mental illnesses. You were surrounded by medical personnel and none of them appear to have an iota of sense or sensibility about mental illness. I'm ashamed of the medical community that surrounded you. Illness, mental or physical, should be treated with care and compassion by all, but more especially the medical community. In your case, this did not happen and I apologize to you for the misbehavior of the providers.

You are most certainty a veteran and I salute your service.

Mike
 
I believe that a LOT of those going through the medical evaluation process (IDES, MEB, PEB) get a raw deal from their so-called leaders. It seems to me that a lot of leaders assume the role of the "Amazing Kreskin" when it comes to deciding which injured Soldier/Airmen/Sailor/Marine is actually injured and which is "faking it".

Leaders often wrongly do this based on preconceived notions rather than fact, going against actual medical opinions and proof shows that some are exceptionally pig headed about it. Sadly, a LOT of those with legitimate injures are treated like dirt from that point on, which is the LAST thing they should have to deal with along with the pressures of being injured and facing a protracted fight to retain the benefits due if discharged.

I have encountered my fair share of those "Amazing Kreskin" types during my own battles, and even though I could dwell on what total (expletive(s) of your choice) they are, it really amounts to a loss of honor on THEIR part not mine. It's better to focus on the good you did in uniform than the crap they put you through.

That and helping those are going to go through it after you, and hopefully doing something to break the cycle of systemic mistreatment of those injured. That way you continue to serve, and make a difference. My honor is intact and yours should be too, regardless of where others and the system itself have failed.

Hope this helps...
 
Atomic_47 said:
I am a former Army nurse who was medically retired due to Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety Disorder NOS. The lead-up to my separation was an embarrassing and heart-breaking affair. I had spent five years earning my commission through ROTC and was planning to make a career as an officer. I was only three months away from attending the OB-GYN nursing course at Darnell when I had a panic attack that ultimately led to my separation.

During the interim between my panic attack and my separation I was removed from inpatient care and essentially made to do pointless busy work. I was eventually re-assigned to a clinic, but even that was just a holding pen I was placed in so my superiors wouldn't have to deal me. My commanding officer confidently assured me that this wouldn't hurt my chances of making CPT while simultaneously omitting that I had been given a profile which barred me from deployment or handling weapons. She repeatedly assured me that I was a valued officer while simultaneously telling my CDE-assigned psychologist that I was essentially an emotionally-volatile nut who was a detriment to the hospital's mission. When I confronted her about the glaring inaccuracies in my medical record she essentially shrugged her shoulders and told me she thought I would be great in the civilian world.

I wasn't even given the privilege of a send-off. I was told to plan my own going-away party which none of my commanding officers or NCOs attended.

I can't get rid of the anger and shame I still feel about everything that happened. I don't feel worthy of the title veteran and I don't talk about being in the Army. When people ask me about my previous job I just tell them I worked in an Army facility. I don't show anyone my military ID, I don't inquire about military discounts, and I plan to stay home on Veteran's Day. I hate going to the VA and being among veterans who put themselves in danger while I was forced to sit in a hospital doing pointless busy work. My sister is a CPT who is airborne/air assault qualified with four deployments under her belt, and I'm tired of hearing my parents talk about all her achievements. I never attended any schools or courses.

I want to believe that I am a veteran, that I am worthy of being called a soldier, but truthfully I don't feel like anything I did was important or worthwhile. I don't feel like I have anything to be proud of.
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Hello Atomic_47,
I can relate to your feelings and what you went through with during your Seperation from Active duty. Although I am not an Officer I am a Senior Non Comissioned Officer with the same pride you have. I work in a Medical Command for a 2 Star General and 2 1Star Generals. At my level we handle the credentialing for all Army Reseve Doctors and Nurses. I have seen it all and heard it all the good and the bad. I now am being treated badly just as I have seen the General and COS treat the Doctors and Nurses after they have no use for them anymore because they or we became ill. I want for you to think of all of the good things you have done for others who really appreciated you. In your field of work, you were appreciated and valued. You meant something to others who may were not able to voice it verbally to you. I think of all of the thousands of Soldiers and families I have given countless hours of myself to help. I also think of the voices I would speak to over the phone who appreciated me that I never saw whom I helped. Your Commander who made you feel assured when you needed her the most will see this again, because I do believe what goes around comes back around again. We can't worry about who has wronged us because we have a whole life ahead of us. We are put into places where we are supposed to be for that time. I suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. We can't let our old Co-workers occupy space in our mind in our new life. All of the achievements we did not get in the Army, we will get them Now. Yes your sister may have all of those things right now in the Army but it's the later that is going to matter for her also. What will those things matter later and what she does with them. You are going to pick yourself up and move on from your experience with the Military. You are going to achieve bigger and better things that you could not do in the Army because it was just not part of the plan for you. Ma'am You are going to do some great things for people who really need you now. It's the now we got to worry about. We can't worry no more how we had to leave the Army. We don't have to see those people ever again unless we want to. Your Parents don't mean any harm. I wish my mother and father was living to see me having made it this far! They always put my sister on a pedestal because she was the Honor roll student, Graduated top 10 of her class, has 2 Graduate degrees. And I was the child that it was ok if I brought home Cs, didn't keep a steady job, did not got to college when I graduated. I'd give anything to have them around and hear their voice. Now it's my Sister who tells me how proud she is of me. Your service means something because you served honorable. I want you to show people all of your accolades from the Army and military ID. We had to go through a lot just to get that. You deserve it ALL, including the military discount. It's unfortunate that you had to be used as an example to save someone else outside of this Army. I'm waiting on my Retirement orders and it hurts that I will leave this Army of 25 years with no Award and farewell. It's ok though because I am going to continue to pick myself up and keep giving to others who appreciate me. I may can't have a farewell or get an Award with my coworkers who did not care nothing for me, but I can have something with my family, and so can you. Celebrate you this Veterans Day.
 
I wanna meet that person who wasn't mistreated. It is easy to feel mistreated and look down on in the medical discharge process, but it happens all the time. When they are done with you, they spit you out. Most never receive the respect owned.

Atomic_47 said:
I want to believe that I am a veteran, that I am worthy of being called a soldier
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So do. You did what you did. It doesn't matter who recognizes it, who disrespects it, who honors it. It is done.

The stories of military heroism, they're only good in a book, where they are sanitized. A real military story can't be used in a bar to pickup chicks. Every real military story has a good portion of this sorta ugly to go along with it. Everyone's military story is only good for themselves. So you might as well pick the one you want. You shouldn't need to justify it to anyone but yourself.

All I know is I'd be more willing to share a drink with you in a bar than someone who's never been in the service or someone who is sitting there telling anyone who will listen about their time in the war. I don't know if that makes you a veteran, but its a certain level of respect.
 
scoutCC said:
I wanna meet that person who wasn't mistreated. It is easy to feel mistreated and look down on in the medical discharge process, but it happens all the time. When they are done with you, they spit you out. Most never receive the respect owned.


So do. You did what you did. It doesn't matter who recognizes it, who disrespects it, who honors it. It is done.

The stories of military heroism, they're only good in a book, where they are sanitized. A real military story can't be used in a bar to pickup chicks. Every real military story has a good portion of this sorta ugly to go along with it. Everyone's military story is only good for themselves. So you might as well pick the one you want. You shouldn't need to justify it to anyone but yourself.

All I know is I'd be more willing to share a drink with you in a bar than someone who's never been in the service or someone who is sitting there telling anyone who will listen about their time in the war. I don't know if that makes you a veteran, but its a certain level of respect.
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ScoutCC very well said. These words are perfectly spoken. :)
 
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