New guy. PTSD "faking normal"

[antknee77]

I too have been faking "normal" for about 5 years now, until it took control over me. I am on TDRL, unfit for PTSD/MDD/GAD/TBI. I was at the point of suicide, but was strong enough to be honest with my psychologist. I was hospitalized, and underwent CPT (Cognitive Processing Therapy, that is the treatment you were talking about). Well, at my MH clinic you have to answer questions on a computer portal before you see your provider each time. My psychologist (and she is extremely good, and I trust her) after seeing me for over a year, every two weeks simply said, and I'll paraphrase....You are inconsistent, they (VA/DOD) will look at this as if you are trying to remain on disability. It is nothing but a dollar sign for you now, and that is the problem with these MEBs. She told me that I wasn't doing better, because I didn't follow treatment.....I see her every TWO WEEKS, and I had to cancel once, because I was moving. I have tried so many types of medications, and anything with serotonin in it causes me to eat sugar and become more depressed. Other meds have helped for maybe 6 months or so and then stopped working completely (I only get the negative sides). Anyway, I have told her in the past that I am not honest on the portal, because it is DIFFICULT for me to say that I have thought about suicide, had made plans, and think about hurting myself. Why? Because I don't want to end up hospitalized again, and also, I have too much pride. I have been brainwashed after 19 years of the Army to "suck it up". Not only that, but part of my unfit condition results in me not trusting anyone, and overanalyzing (rumination) of what people think and say to me. I was furious. My official out date is in a couple of weeks, and I am going to start being seen by a VA psychologist. She actually told me that she thought it was better that I do that.

Not to make this a novel, but this psych is good, very good, and very intelligent. I think that she is frustrated that I am not "better" based on her treatment. She has an ego, and she is brutally honest (I appreciate the brutally honest part). But part of me thinks that she said all of this to me to make an excuse as to why I am not improving versus just admitting that I am one of those that she cannot "cure". As a neuropsychologist, I was dissapointed that she would not have the knowledge and experience to know that you aren't "cured" of PTSD, MDD, GAD etc. in a year and a half, and that there are ups and downs. I see it both as a ploy to document "improvement or stability" so that the DoD can reduce my rating on my first exam in 6 months, and that she cannot accept that she cannot "cure" everyone. She has had 100% success (according to her) in the past 10 years of treating people like me. I find that hard to believe. I know a vietnam vet who has received treatment for 20 years, and he is just now getting to the point that he can "control" it, or "manage" the symptoms. You are never "cured" of trauma, especially mental trauma.

 

[Warrior644]

Not to make this a novel, but this psych is good, very good, and very intelligent. I think that she is frustrated that I am not "better" based on her treatment. She has an ego, and she is brutally honest (I appreciate the brutally honest part). But part of me thinks that she said all of this to me to make an excuse as to why I am not improving versus just admitting that I am one of those that she cannot "cure". As a neuropsychologist, I was dissapointed that she would not have the knowledge and experience to know that you aren't "cured" of PTSD, MDD, GAD etc. in a year and a half, and that there are ups and downs. I see it both as a ploy to document "improvement or stability" so that the DoD can reduce my rating on my first exam in 6 months, and that she cannot accept that she cannot "cure" everyone. She has had 100% success (according to her) in the past 10 years of treating people like me. I find that hard to believe. I know a vietnam vet who has received treatment for 20 years, and he is just now getting to the point that he can "control" it, or "manage" the symptoms. You are never "cured" of trauma, especially mental trauma.

From my recent experiences with a DoD TDRL PTSD re-evaluation, the period of review starts on the day of placement onto military TDRL. As such, any/all medical evidence and/or medical documentation prior to your official disability retirement shall not have any bearing on your DoD LDES PEB processing for a TDRL re-evaluation.

To that extent, in my opinion, it's in your best interest to establish treatment with the local VAMC soonest upon placement onto military TDRL then attend all scheduled appointments thereafter. If you need additional assistance from the VAMC Mental Health Clinic (MHC), you can always enroll into their targeted programs to help you manage your PTSD symptomology; at least they are available at my local VAMC MHC. Take care!

Thus, I quite often comment that "possessing well-informed knowledge is truly a powerful equalizer."

Best Wishes!

 

[antknee77]

From my recent experiences with a DoD TDRL PTSD re-evaluation, the period of review starts on the day of placement onto military TDRL. As such, any/all medical evidence and/or medical documentation prior to your official disability retirement shall not have any bearing on your DoD LDES PEB processing for a TDRL re-evaluation.

To that extent, in my opinion, it's in your best interest to establish treatment with the local VAMC soonest upon placement onto military TDRL then attend all scheduled appointments thereafter. If you need additional assistance from the VAMC Mental Health Clinic (MHC), you can always enroll into their targeted programs to help you manage your PTSD symptomology; at least they are available at my local VAMC MHC. Take care!

Thus, I quite often comment that "possessing well-informed knowledge is truly a powerful equalizer."

Best Wishes!

So nothing counts until after my final official date in the Army? My last appointment with my current "Army" psychologist is next week, then I will start to be seen at the VA. The other frustrating thing is that I may have to repeat things over and over and over again. I am not a fan of that as well. Thanks for your info.

 

[Warrior644]

So nothing counts until after my final official date in the Army? My last appointment with my current "Army" psychologist is next week, then I will start to be seen at the VA. The other frustrating thing is that I may have to repeat things over and over and over again. I am not a fan of that as well. Thanks for your info.

Indeed, you are welcome!

Yes, that's correct albeit I definitely comprehend about potentially "starting over" with a new VA MH provider.

As such, I wasn't a fan as well too, but the VA MH healthcare services thus far has been more than satisfactory!

Thus, I quite often comment that "possessing well-informed knowledge is truly a powerful equalizer."

Best Wishes!

 

[antknee77]

Thanks for your feedback.

 

[Warrior644]

Thanks for your feedback.

No worries; you are welcome!

Thus, I quite often comment that "possessing well-informed knowledge is truly a powerful equalizer."

Best Wishes!

 

[Wally3430]

Antknee, your story/experiences sound near identical to what I'm going thru. I actually had to check the name on your post again to make certain it wasn't I who wrote it. UPDATE: I've completed cognitive therapy. I can honestly say I hated every minute of it. I was fully open and honest with the doc the entire time. He just didn't get it, didn't understand IMHO. The only thing I got out of it is a higher ability to recognize my symptoms...that's it. He asked me what I think would work for me; I told him I thought being completely away from a military environment (hmm..considered avoidance?), away from the go-go-go stresses, and perhaps a more informal group therapy with vets going thru the same stuff would be beneficial. He talked as though I wouldn't be retained and the next assistance would be with the VA if I so chose. I WILL NOT take meds (does that hurt ratings?); been there before and I hate it and I hate putting chemicals in my body. He informed me he was going to non-recommend returning to duty in the NARSUM. He also mentioned that he sees no point in putting me on TDRL since I've already been thru two treatment cycles; he sees PDRL being the right way forward. So I sat and waited for 2 MONTHS for him to actually write the dang NARSUM. I already had a MEB package build with another NARSUM included for 786.09 Dyspnea and respiratory abnormalties with shortness of breath, and 327.51 Periodic Leg Movement Disorder (likely related to PTSD), but it was put on hold until Mental Health completed their NARSUM. It's 10DEC now, the package is with the PEBLO but is on hold again because the new CC letter format is all jacked up; they can't get it to work. So now I wait again. Once the format of the CC letter is done, the DAWG Chairman at my base will review and provide a recommendation; likely it will recommend full MEB. My CC letter is pushing heavy for non-retain and is very detailed with my symptoms, how they effect work, and how they effect the mission. It even recommends a medical retirement---not sure if that actually helps the case for a med retirement or not. Additionally, my PEBLO just informed me she attended a conference that covered PTSD and med retirement. She said she learned that over 90% of individuals put on TDRL for PTSD are put on PDRL after 6-month re-eval. She also mentioned that the bigwigs are contemplating doing away with TDRL completely.

 

[scoutCC]

I hate putting chemicals in my body

You do not hate taking in O2 or H2 0. People might be cautious about taking in C6 H12 O6 (sugar), but I don't think anyone hates it. I don't think I've met (though I'm sure they're out there) anyone who didn't first treat their PTSD with C H3 C H2 O H (booze). Its a very effective chemical on the symptoms, just has some bad long time side effects, especially as long term dosing problems show up.

The human body is not a self contained system. It relies upon outside chemicals. There is probably good reason to be cautious about which chemicals, but to hate a psychoactive pharmaceutical simply for having a chemical makeup is . . .
I just don't know, but surely a more valid reason is possible.

I WILL NOT take meds (does that hurt ratings?);

It is possible to find an example where the VA used this as evidence of not needing help. If a MH problem is handled without help, it falls more towards the mild side of things as opposed to the severe side of things. There are ways other evidence can overcome this.

 

[antknee77]

I don't like taking medication either, but it came to a point that I would do ANYTHING to get rid of the night terrors, anxiety, overwhelming intrusive thoughts, etc. etc. I've been through about 6 different medications that A) had little to no effect, B) worked for a few months, and then stopped, C) side effects so severe it worsened my condition. I have been through CPT and PE, and attempted to do PE again recently through the VA (I am currently TDRL as of a couple of months ago). I dropped out of this PE, because like the last time, it exacerbated my symptoms 10 fold. Of course they say that this will happen initially, but the last PE it didn't decrease, it increased, and it took me months to get back to a "normal" state (normal for me). I started experiencing this again this time, plus the guy was an intern and had to have the actual psychologist listen to our recorded sessions to ensure that he was doing his job. Not to mention, I look on my medical blue button, and he worded our sessions like it was unicorns, butterflies and sprinkly fairies. Painting a picture that I was doing well and treatment was going well. I had my wife listen to one of the sessions, and she agreed, it was no where near that. You all know that medical records are key to evaluation/diagnosis. I am seeking out a good civilian doctor that doesn't have an agenda. I hope I can find one. As for now, I am dealing with my everyday issues, as well as the added anxiety of how the Army is going to give me the high hard one come my first 6 month eval in Feb. It is quite a conundrum for sure.

 

[Wally3430]

You do not hate taking in O2 or H2 0. People might be cautious about taking in C6 H12 O6 (sugar), but I don't think anyone hates it. I don't think I've met (though I'm sure they're out there) anyone who didn't first treat their PTSD with C H3 C H2 O H (booze). Its a very effective chemical on the symptoms, just has some bad long time side effects, especially as long term dosing problems show up.

The human body is not a self contained system. It relies upon outside chemicals. There is probably good reason to be cautious about which chemicals, but to hate a psychoactive pharmaceutical simply for having a chemical makeup is . . .
I just don't know, but surely a more valid reason is possible.

It is possible to find an example where the VA used this as evidence of not needing help. If a MH problem is handled without help, it falls more towards the mild side of things as opposed to the severe side of things. There are ways other evidence can overcome this.

Scout--Not sure why you care if I "hate" putting chemicals in my body, but let me explain. I never went to using booze ever; never had the drive for it. First off, let me clarify it is MAN-MADE concoctions that I'm highly wary of. I was put on two types of anti-depressants temporarily back in 2006; the side effects were worse than the actual issue. So, I stopped taking them. The more research I do, the more convinced I am that there are natural remedies. If you dive into the subject, you'll find ingredients in some of these pills that would blow your mind...and for a price that would blow your mind again. In fact, my wife took lead on the natural remedy route; working the herbal/oil route. Many folks will laugh saying "that's quackery" or "modern medical science is the way to go, not back to the stone ages". But I'm not perfect, there's man-made sh*t I still take occasionally..like Aspirin or what-not (gradual disuse). Personally, I don't believe pharmaceuticals number one priority is making ill people well; they'd be out of business if they did.

BL, I was offered pills from two different doctors during my programs. I told them I do not want to take them. And they MAY be beneficial in some form, but I believe the cons out weigh the pros long term. I told my docs that I want to battle this naturally and thru some type of therapy. I understand some folks may feel differently or have heavy symptoms that need to be suppressed immediately; we each do what we have to do.