PTSD, MDD w/ SI and the Whole Shebang.

Z

zazoo

Well-Known Member
PEB Forum Veteran
Registered Member
Where to start: A few years back, I got diagnosed with PTSD. Went through treatment, and it helped ease things like depression and suicidal thoughts. Things got better for a bit.

Fast forward to a few months ago, depression hit me again—way harder this time—and I made a suicide attempt. Honestly felt embarrassed that I could not complete the thing.

When I went to mental health, they seemed to genuinely care, but I still held back a lot. They ramped up my therapy sessions, and now every week, I'm talking suicide stuff with different docs. It helps some, but I know deep down it's not really fixing anything. I'm probably a natural people-pleaser, so I'm playing along mainly because I don't want to lose my job. But now I’m stuck doing therapy at least four hours a week. Even then, I'm still isolating, don't care about taking care of myself, and can't find joy or excitement in things everyone else enjoys. Sleep sucks—I wake up from nightmares constantly. And by 0400 I am up. Three meds haven’t done much either. My current job feels pointless; I'm doing busy work that's already been handled by others.

On top of all this, I'm also dealing with two physical health issues that require me to see docs three times a week. So in total I spend 5-8 hours/week at MTF.

Docs keep trying to help and check if I'm safe. Looking back, I probably should’ve been hospitalized after that failed attempt, but when I brought it up to mental health, their solution was just to motivate me to work from home and take care of myself. But honestly, I’ve got zero energy left for this. My mental and physical health are virtually killing my spirit.

All five conditions I'm dealing with are seriously affecting like 25 aspects of my life. Who do I need to talk to, and how do I bring this up to maybe get referred to a Medboard? I'm pretty fed up, frustrated, and honestly could use some help figuring this out.
 
This is a genuine concern you need to bring up with not only your primary care provider, but also your mental health team. An MEB can be suggested by you based on how you are feeling and stating how hard your job has been as a result, but it is up to the military on whether or not you get referred for one. Mental health can be a tricky thing to get referred as they want to see extensive treatment records. I would bring it up with both sides your next appointment and just ask if what you have going on is bad enough for them to refer you. Please stick in there, as someone who has dealt with SI and PTSD too it can feel like the world is stacked against us and the thought of ever feeling like ourselves again can seem fleeting.
 
Air force pilot that can't fly due to MDD w/ SI. I can say it is a very very long process to MEB and try to escape. I've been at it for almost 2 years now. Spent the first year fighting to get back into the plane with no success. Finally, changed my decision and am now pursuing an MEB (successful so far).

I would definitely agree with the previous comment. Tell you Primary care doctor and your mental health provider ASAP. Word it exactly like you did above. Tell them how little you can actually work, due to appointments, or meds, or pain, or depression, or all of it. Tell them the therapy is not working, the meds, the physical therapy. It sucks that you have to fight so hard to leave the military, but you sort of have to paint the picture for them. You have to get them to see that you are not beneficial to the military anymore. Ironically, they don't really care if the military isn't good for you though. Also, I speak from experience when I say you have to fight for your treatment too. If what they tell you or give you doesn't help, please speak up. Don't hold back. If you are still having ideation, you don't have to shout it from the rooftops, but you got to let the doctors know. It might not help in the short term, but it will in the long term.

Please hang in there. There is still potential for good days, you just have to get there. And please message me if you ever need someone to talk to.

July 2023 - Mental Health Triage for SI
Aug-Oct 2023 - Treatment/ Hospitalization
Nov 2023-April 2024 - Stabilization/ lots of therapy
May 2024 - apply for aeromedical waiver
July 2024 - disqualified from flying after a year of DNIF
Aug 2024 - given ALC-1. Aeromedical waiver returned for "not enough stabilization time"
Sept 2024-Jan 2025 - more Stabilization and therapy and change my request to pursue MEB
10 Feb 2025 - IRILO return with recommendation for full MEB
18 Feb 2025 - Initial Peblo meeting
21 Feb 2025 - VA initial Interview and 526EZ completion
3 Mar-11Mar 2025 - C&P exams
19 Mar 2025 - C&P exams loaded on TOL
5 April 2025 - MEB convened
9 April 2025 - Met with Peblo on MEB results (refer to IPEB)
10 April 2025 - FSS email/ IPEB received case
 
zazoo said:
Where to start: A few years back, I got diagnosed with PTSD. Went through treatment, and it helped ease things like depression and suicidal thoughts. Things got better for a bit.

Fast forward to a few months ago, depression hit me again—way harder this time—and I made a suicide attempt. Honestly felt embarrassed that I could not complete the thing.

When I went to mental health, they seemed to genuinely care, but I still held back a lot. They ramped up my therapy sessions, and now every week, I'm talking suicide stuff with different docs. It helps some, but I know deep down it's not really fixing anything. I'm probably a natural people-pleaser, so I'm playing along mainly because I don't want to lose my job. But now I’m stuck doing therapy at least four hours a week. Even then, I'm still isolating, don't care about taking care of myself, and can't find joy or excitement in things everyone else enjoys. Sleep sucks—I wake up from nightmares constantly. And by 0400 I am up. Three meds haven’t done much either. My current job feels pointless; I'm doing busy work that's already been handled by others.

On top of all this, I'm also dealing with two physical health issues that require me to see docs three times a week. So in total I spend 5-8 hours/week at MTF.

Docs keep trying to help and check if I'm safe. Looking back, I probably should’ve been hospitalized after that failed attempt, but when I brought it up to mental health, their solution was just to motivate me to work from home and take care of myself. But honestly, I’ve got zero energy left for this. My mental and physical health are virtually killing my spirit.

All five conditions I'm dealing with are seriously affecting like 25 aspects of my life. Who do I need to talk to, and how do I bring this up to maybe get referred to a Medboard? I'm pretty fed up, frustrated, and honestly could use some help figuring this out.
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Hey, thank you for sharing all of that. I know how heavy it is to even put this into words,so seriously, respect to you for showing up and being real. What you’re going through sounds exhausting on every level, and the fact that you’re still standing, still going to appointments, still trying,that’s not weakness. That’s resilience,even if it doesn’t feel like it.
You’re not alone in feeling like therapy has turned into something you do just to check a box. And that guilt after a suicide attempt?It’s not talked about enough but many can hear you!
If things are this bad despite treatment, and your conditions are affecting your ability to work or even function day to day, then yeah,it might be time to talk about a Medboard. You don’t have to prove you’re “sick enough.” You’ve already done the hard part by showing up and asking the question.
I’d bring it up directly with your PCM or someone on your mental health team. Just let them know everything you said here,because it matters. You deserve care that actually works and a future where you’re not just surviving, but healing.
 
Thank you for your replies. Thank you for insightful input.

Checked in here yesterday morning.
By evening, they had me lined up for acute mental health hospitalization after a pretty rough breakdown and suicidal thoughts. Docs at the clinic managed to get me stabilized a bit. After some serious pleading not to send me off to the hospital, they agreed to keep me on base under close suicide watch, highest priority treatment, and frequent check-ins. Spent the night alone, angry, but stable and safe.

This situation sucks. Just holding on and hoping tomorrow’s a better day.
 
zazoo said:
Thank you for your replies. Thank you for insightful input.

Checked in here yesterday morning.
By evening, they had me lined up for acute mental health hospitalization after a pretty rough breakdown and suicidal thoughts. Docs at the clinic managed to get me stabilized a bit. After some serious pleading not to send me off to the hospital, they agreed to keep me on base under close suicide watch, highest priority treatment, and frequent check-ins. Spent the night alone, angry, but stable and safe.

This situation sucks. Just holding on and hoping tomorrow’s a better day.
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If you haven’t already, please contact some outside support groups too. It can be a game changer to talk to other veterans who’ve been through the same kind of breakdowns, dark thoughts, and uphill battles. It’s one thing to talk to people about what you’re going through, but it hits differently when you talk to someone who’s been in those same boots.
There are veteran peer groups, online meetups, and even text lines where you can just talk without judgment. Sometimes, just hearing -Yeah, me too is enough to keep you holding on.
Please keep reaching out. Keep talking. Tomorrow can be better and you deserve to be here to see that.
 
CristinaJ said:
If you haven’t already, please contact some outside support groups too. It can be a game changer to talk to other veterans who’ve been through the same kind of breakdowns, dark thoughts, and uphill battles. It’s one thing to talk to people about what you’re going through, but it hits differently when you talk to someone who’s been in those same boots.
There are veteran peer groups, online meetups, and even text lines where you can just talk without judgment. Sometimes, just hearing -Yeah, me too is enough to keep you holding on.
Please keep reaching out. Keep talking. Tomorrow can be better and you deserve to be here to see that.
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Docs gave me three options: hospital, daily outpatient, and something else I forgot. I’m open to a support group, just gotta find one in the middle of nowhere. Maybe online, audio-only—no idea where to start. This forum gives me a bit of hope. Military broke me. Maybe it’ll help fix me too.
But I’m worn out. Too many therapies, too many changes, too many new docs. Tired of nights. Tired of days. Scared of both. Opening up sucks. Every time I talk, it all bleeds out again.
Now I’m on meds #4 and #5. Docs are hopeful. I’m not seeing much. Maybe things are just holding steady.
I keep nodding and saying I’ll try, that I feel better—but nothing’s better. Just stuck. Asked for leave—denied. Gotta stay, work, and hit every appointment. All mandatory now.
Thought about bringing up a med board. Now it just feels dumb and weak.
Need to wait for a better day to get my life back.
 
zazoo said:
Docs gave me three options: hospital, daily outpatient, and something else I forgot. I’m open to a support group, just gotta find one in the middle of nowhere. Maybe online, audio-only—no idea where to start. This forum gives me a bit of hope. Military broke me. Maybe it’ll help fix me too.
But I’m worn out. Too many therapies, too many changes, too many new docs. Tired of nights. Tired of days. Scared of both. Opening up sucks. Every time I talk, it all bleeds out again.
Now I’m on meds #4 and #5. Docs are hopeful. I’m not seeing much. Maybe things are just holding steady.
I keep nodding and saying I’ll try, that I feel better—but nothing’s better. Just stuck. Asked for leave—denied. Gotta stay, work, and hit every appointment. All mandatory now.
Thought about bringing up a med board. Now it just feels dumb and weak.
Need to wait for a better day to get my life back.
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I'm new to the group, and forgive me if this has already been discussed. In the hospitalization option, would they send you to Meadows Behavioral Health in Arizona? I'm stationed in CO and was told that (most) all of Triwest's referrals go to the Meadows. I say that because I spent 35 days inpatient combined with intensive outpatient PHP & IOP care (Partial Hospitalization Program and Intensive Outpatient Program) taking me out of work for a total of about 6 months. The treatment helped a ton, it's not easy work, and I'm so grateful I had a chance to do it. I am incredibly proud of you for reaching out on all aspects, and please, keep checking in.
 
I would not dismiss the hospital option. Some people find significant improvement through the structured, multidisciplinary approach used by most inpatient facilities.
 
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atenski said:
I'm new to the group, and forgive me if this has already been discussed. In the hospitalization option, would they send you to Meadows Behavioral Health in Arizona? I'm stationed in CO and was told that (most) all of Triwest's referrals go to the Meadows. I say that because I spent 35 days inpatient combined with intensive outpatient PHP & IOP care (Partial Hospitalization Program and Intensive Outpatient Program) taking me out of work for a total of about 6 months. The treatment helped a ton, it's not easy work, and I'm so grateful I had a chance to do it. I am incredibly proud of you for reaching out on all aspects, and please, keep checking in.
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AZ’s too far. There’s a regular hospital nearby with the intensive outpatient stuff—will have to check it out.
Med #5 knocks me out pretty good day or night.
First time since December I’ve slept a couple hours—with several wake-ups, but I did sleep.
But then on the way to work, the self-harm thoughts hit hard. Outta nowhere.

Whole thing is confusing. Messes with my head. Hard to function like this.
I will suck it up, carry on and do what I am told to do.
 
Hoping with sleep there's a little more comfort. I even know people that were stationed in Europe that were sent to the Meadows for inpatient. I hope you're able to get help and find healing soon.
 
I’ve been in therapy for over two years—consecutive profiles, non-deployable, no PCS or TDY. I’ve tried everything they’ve offered, but the condition remains stubborn and resistant. They recently reclassified it from chronic, moderate to chronic, severe.
I’m tired, and the treatments are wearing me down. I don’t know if saying I want out means I’ll be separated without a medboard. I don’t know if saying I want to stay means I’m expected to act like I’m fine.
Either way, it’s exhausting to keep pushing like this.
I think it’s time to talk honestly about what long-term support could look like. How to start that? Who to talk to?
 
zazoo said:
I’ve been in therapy for over two years—consecutive profiles, non-deployable, no PCS or TDY. I’ve tried everything they’ve offered, but the condition remains stubborn and resistant. They recently reclassified it from chronic, moderate to chronic, severe.
I’m tired, and the treatments are wearing me down. I don’t know if saying I want out means I’ll be separated without a medboard. I don’t know if saying I want to stay means I’m expected to act like I’m fine.
Either way, it’s exhausting to keep pushing like this.
I think it’s time to talk honestly about what long-term support could look like. How to start that? Who to talk to?
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It takes great strength to ask for help. Keep that up.

Your primary care manager (PCM) in either physical or mental health will be the one to recommend a MEB. You could bring it up to your psychiatrist.

An additional option for long term care is to reach out to the Veterans Center (Vet Center). They offer counseling and other services to current serving and Veterans. It is free, funded by the VA. Yet it is also fully confidential in that neither the military nor the VA can see the records unless you release them. They offer remote services if there is no location near you.

The below questions will help to answer your questions about separating vs MEB/PEB for retirement.

How many years active/reserve do you have in?

And to clarify, is this PTSD deployment/combat related or something else?
 
DaveK said:
It takes great strength to ask for help. Keep that up.

Your primary care manager (PCM) in either physical or mental health will be the one to recommend a MEB. You could bring it up to your psychiatrist.

[...]

The below questions will help to answer your questions about separating vs MEB/PEB for retirement.

How many years active/reserve do you have in?

And to clarify, is this PTSD deployment/combat related or something else?
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The psychiatrist wants to make sure all treatment options are fully explored. I am so embarrassed to show weakness/exhaustion and will probably never bring medboard to conversation.
I’ve got less than 8 years in.
The PTSD isn’t combat-related—it started during a short assignment a few years ago.
 
zazoo said:
The psychiatrist wants to make sure all treatment options are fully explored. I am so embarrassed to show weakness/exhaustion and will probably never bring medboard to conversation.
I’ve got less than 8 years in.
The PTSD isn’t combat-related—it started during a short assignment a few years ago.
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MH is not different that physical health. You scratch your arm you do self care. You break your arm you head to the ER. PTSD is not a scratch; so seeking professional help is the smart thing to do.
 
zazoo said:
The psychiatrist wants to make sure all treatment options are fully explored. I am so embarrassed to show weakness/exhaustion and will probably never bring medboard to conversation.
I’ve got less than 8 years in.
The PTSD isn’t combat-related—it started during a short assignment a few years ago.
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It is normal to exhaust all options to retain a service member and keep them functioning.

At 8 years one hits the "8 year medical rule" which could prove favorable for you. A search can give you all the details to see if it could apply.

"I am so embarrassed to show weakness/exhaustion and will probably never bring medboard to conversation" - With this mindset you are likely to continue going in circles for years potentially while suffering unnecessarily and not performing at your best. It is not weakness to address ones problems with the intent of being better. Sometimes that means one can find a path to continue serving and sometimes that means for a person to be at their best, they must move on from the service. Either is acceptable and shows strength.
 
@zazoo I wish you could see yourself from your future you's perspective. The strongest, bravest, and absolutely most difficult thing you could choose to do right now is ask for HELP, but that is what you need to do! It is not easy or fun, but it will make improvements. It won't be quick. It won't be perfect. It won't make everything go away, but it will get better. It will get easier. Please just ask. Whether that's hospitalization, IOP, PHP, an MEB or all of them, that is truly the best thing for you to do right now. And I fully understand it is the most challenging thing to do also. Please hear me when I say, life is not going to suddenly turn around and be absolutely perfect, but one day it will be better and it's not as far away as you think. Every person on here is rooting for you and wants to see you come back, just to say you are still here. Please hang in there bud
 
Thanks for the words, y’all.
I’m in a bit of a break (remission? I guess). Feels a little less awful eyesterday and today. But every damn time I start feeling okay, it comes back worse. Like clockwork.
I’m doing what the docs say, but the fear of new clusterf... still chews me up. If it gets bad, I’ll drag myself to the ER for sure - hell, I’ve thought about it more than once lately. Just don’t know when it’s gonna be too much or too dangerous. No clue where the line is anymore. I believe in God, I trust Him—I just hope He shows me what the hell to do.
Anyway, thanks again. Hope you sleep better than I did.
Even with a better mood, my last night was crap—nightmares, waking up a dozen times, and still dead tired. Hope your night and mine tonight will be good.
 
I know this isn’t a support group, but I still come back now and then. Reading what others post helps—stories, advice, perspective.
I’ve made some progress with my mental health, but I’m still pretty low. I’m in 4 therapies, attending 2 groups, doing the work, trying to stay patient.
Recently got diagnosed with three disqualifying medical conditions. I’m in treatment, doing what I can, but it’s a lot.

Not posting this to complain. Just needed to put it into words. It all gets tiring—mentally, emotionally. Some days it’s just confusing.
One day, I hope to hear: You did enough. You don’t have to keep doing all of it at once.
But will such day ever come?

Still in the fight. Still tired. Still trying. And still not quitting.
 
zazoo said:
I know this isn’t a support group, but I still come back now and then. Reading what others post helps—stories, advice, perspective.
I’ve made some progress with my mental health, but I’m still pretty low. I’m in 4 therapies, attending 2 groups, doing the work, trying to stay patient.
Recently got diagnosed with three disqualifying medical conditions. I’m in treatment, doing what I can, but it’s a lot.

Not posting this to complain. Just needed to put it into words. It all gets tiring—mentally, emotionally. Some days it’s just confusing.
One day, I hope to hear: You did enough. You don’t have to keep doing all of it at once.
But will such day ever come?

Still in the fight. Still tired. Still trying. And still not quitting.
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You are on the right path. Keep your head up and keep pushing. Later you will be very grateful. There is a whole other chapter ahead.
 
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